Dead Girl Walking
Rachell Relyea
I look at the cable box above the television with droopy eyes. It glows 12:50 a.m. Sleep races out of me with the realization that I have to be home in ten minutes to make my curfew. I walk to the garage door and peer outside. All is motionless, blank and dreary. I twist the door handle in my cold hands and open the only barrier standing between me and darkness. I wave my final goodbye and pull the door shut behind me. The minute I feel it click I turn and sprint to my truck. “DING DING DING DING.” I jump in, turn the key and slam the door, in one swift motion. My headlights come on, illuminating the yard in front of me. Was that an animal? I swear I just saw something out of the corner of my eye. I tell myself to relax as I put it in reverse, trying to maneuver my way out of the driveway without having to look in the rear view mirror.
The rear view mirror is always where it begins. In the scary movies the victim gets into the car, thinking that it is safe, just to end up glancing at mirror to see her killer in the back seat.
I pull out of the driveway and I am surrounded by nothing. I put my foot to the pedal trying to get the speedometer to catch up to my heart rate. I jump at the sight of mailboxes, street lamps, telephone poles, and bushes. Then I start to think that I am being followed. A dead girl is behind me in the street, grey face with blood blacker than the sky. I can’t look but I can feel her. She is there. Just like in the movie. I hit my blinker and pull onto my road, barely touching the brakes. I have to slow to thirty but I roll through the stop sign between the end of the street and my house. I live on a dead end so I start to think the girl will be there, emerging from the forest, all of the sudden appearing in the passenger seat planning my death. I zoom up the driveway and hit the garage door opener just in time to pull in and hit it again. I walk in the house at 1:00, right on time.
“MOM! I’m not driving in the dark anymore.” I declare to her as I run up the stairs and dive into my bed. I fall asleep still thinking I’m going to open my eyes and see her standing over me in the night.
Feedback: Is the point of view effective?
Feedback: Is the point of view effective?
5 comments:
Rachell,
Your piece is good! I like the point of view, but the question that I have is that, what point of view is it? It feels like first person, but it also feels like it shifts to third person when the girl is involved.
I also feel that you use “I” statements too much. Try using a different type of sentence structure, to eliminate that bit of distress.
I feel that this could make a much longer piece! I am a little confused about why that dead girl is involved within the piece. That is probably due to the length, but her purpose is not defined.
Keep writing this! I was intrigued because of the soft purple background, and your story kept me involved. Keep working on this, it’s good!
Amber D
Thanks Amber! That's great feedback. :)I'll keep working on it!
Rachell! :)
This is really excellent. I loved basically everything about it, especially the suspense. I totally related to you, how (unless I'm getting this totally wrong) you sort of freaked out in the darkness and thought (or did you really see her?) you saw a dead girl. I've kind of done the same thing when I was alone and in the dark. Oh, and I especially loved the line "the rearview mirror is always where it begins." The whole thing's great, but that line really popped out at me.
There are only a couple of things I'd change. For one, I was really curious where you were before you left. In the long run, it doesn't really matter, but some background would be awesome, probably. Also, more imagery? What you have is already so great, I wanted more :) Oh, and I wanted to know more about the dead girl. Was this the first time you saw/ thought you saw her? And stuff like that.
I agree with Amber on using 'I' a lot. I totally understand why you used it so much, but yeah. Oh, and the point of view's fantastic. Trying it out in third person or something never hurts, but I don't think you need to.
Anyway, I love this :)
Rachell,
I really like this a lot. I want more! You left me hanging, which means it's good.
I would love more imagery. Maybe describe where you wake up more. Take a moment to describe what the room is like. Describe the scene when you walk outside. Just take a few lines to describe things maybe. That would make it even stronger than it already is.
I just want to know more overall. Details are great. You can always add more details.
I say keep working on it because it's definitely a really good piece -- I would love to read the whole thing if you write more!
Hey Rachell,
I loved the subject of your piece...the idea of being lost in darkness, driving in darkness, and dealing with fear. I was confused by the dead girl. I got that you saw her (or thought you saw her) and that's what made you change your mind about the dark...but I think that if you worked on it for a bit longer you could improve this piece immensely. I agree with patience about focusing more about the setting and character. It drove me in, and kept me wanting more, but I wish there was more descriptions. I wanted to FEEL fear! Make me feel it with you.
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